Posts tagged #decisions

Looking out the window


Sometimes it's like these moments come at you like rain drops in a storm. And no matter how hard to you try to focus and stay on one drop, a thousand more fill your vision and the moment has begun to pass.

And so I get that - I get that all this - all this that is - just keeps going; like you're on a train that never stops. Sometimes you can stare at the countryside as if it's so still, and sometimes when the trees are so close they touch the train, they just move by too fast to consider.

I thought about calling you. But then I know you are good, and the more I think about you, the more I wonder if you're real, if you ever were to begin with.

I sat and ate lunch at a deli near the house. I just stared out the window. One of the workers tried to make small talk. I just smiled and nodded, then would turn to look back and out the window again. I just stared; out beyond the nameless whatever in front of me. I don't know if I was looking into the future, into myself, or trying to see what could possibly exist beyond the horizon; I just looked out. I don't remember if I saw anything.

You won't ever read this, or know about this, but you were, and sometimes are, a faint fragrance of a better moment. When the wind blows that aroma near and I taste it, just for that second, it's like looking across a grand canyon and seeing home and having a rush of familial memories... And just as it occurred so it happens I am jolted back into my current circumstances by some item, some receipt in my hand, some click of a shoe heel on tiled floor, and just like that you vanish like a campfire ghost. And there I am, again, in the deli, looking out into the somethingness of the nothingness.

I am just - absolutely - just sitting,
in that deli,
near my house,
staring out.
Posted on September 13, 2012 and filed under Moments, Letter.

The Right Decision?


You asked me if you were making the right decision, abrupt as it may have appeared to the ones around you, but it wasn't so abrupt for you, was it? There's always a build up to the crescendo.

Is it the right decision, though? Is choosing this door "better" than choosing another door? You know, I used to think that we could learn a lot more from the wisdom and experience of others, but I think I'm beginning to see that those external suggestions can help navigate the storm, but they can't stop you from having to go through it.

These storms, these crazy, ship-wrecking storms, they aren't always bad. Sometimes they're worse. Sometimes they don't make your resolve and heart stronger, rather they just make you harder; more emotionally numb. What's that line Jeff Buckley sang?

Maybe there's a God above
All I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah (1)

I think when you get older you'll see the storm is always taking you to see the end of yourself; to see the reality that even on this tiny, wet rock floating through space, there are billions of people and you are just one - just one - of them.

One thing I have learned, my "suggestion" for you, is that when you are anxious, uncertain, emotionally aching, understand that it's not over yet. This storm? Well, it's a mini-storm, and it will pass. Worse things are yet to come. So enjoy this storm, and those gullible friends who are riding it out with you. You'll go through a million storms by the time your life comes to a close - but you'll have very few gullible friends who will still be riding it out with you.

  1. Jeff Buckley, Grace; track 6, Hallelujah
Posted on May 20, 2012 and filed under Moments, Letter.

After it all...


I had a dream the other night, a dream where I was walking past a familiar place, remembering some event that had already taken place between us, only that moment never actually occurred between us. It came to me that this event, this moment, would have occurred, only it was a path not taken.

How do you miss fondness over something that never actually was? Is there some alternate timeline where this did happen? Do such things even exist?

I've long since stopped thinking about you, so I don't know why you entered my dream, or at least, why the thought of you did.

I saw a movie last night. There was a stripper, an estranged father, a child in a coma, a priest in love with a prostitute, and a mortician who couldn't really connect with people. (1) Sounds like the setup to a joke, at least, if they all were to walk into a bar.

Half of the people die and there's this air about the story, this unstoppable force of finality, where the pain and hurt flow like an avalanche and there's nothing you can do about it regardless of what your intention is.

I think that was the point. The avalanche is destined to fall on you, but the avalanche isn't the point. The point is what do you do with your next step.

What will you believe in that next moment?

How will you play the next card drawn?

  1. The film is Powder Blue
Posted on March 29, 2012 and filed under Moments, Letter.