I made a joke status about dating, and thought I would just fill out my list. Things I've come to learn in the crazy world. So here I am sharing them with you...
50 Rules (so far) on Dating
1. Never date a girl who is a freshman in college. 99.99% she’ll rip your face and heart out, because she “wants to be free” - you know, now that she’s more mature.
2. Stop trying to understand women. Women can’t even understand each other, and they think other women are crazy anyway.
3. Three sweetest words in the English language from any girl you’re trying to date: “I give up.”
4. The alternative to #3, “Fine, you win.”
5. Don’t Facebook stalk anyone before meeting them... because everyone has a hotter friend somewhere in those pictures...
6. The number of shoes she can own should be as follows: (acceptable number of pairs of shoes) = (Age/100)+11. If she’s got more, just stop right there. Unless you just like high maintenance girls. And if you do, you’re a liar.
7. If a casual friend says, “I’ve got someone for you to meet, she’s totally your type,” - ask immediately for them to define what they think is your type, or just say, “I’m good, but thanks.”
8. Per Shawn Spencer, first treat her like a person, then like a princess, then like a Greek goddess, then like a person
9. Once you meet her family, pay attention to her mom - because girls usually grow up to be their moms... conversely you’re probably going to grow up to be your dad...
10. If she has to take three hours to get ready, she better be fucking worth it.
11. Be a minister of grace to her - you should be refreshing and restoring, you should not be draining and you should not a fucking tool
12. Stop pretending - do this as fast as possible from the first moment you meet
13. If she can cuss while being joyful, keep her around
14. Just because she puts her hand on your leg, doesn’t mean you should live together
15. Just because she puts her hand on your leg, doesn’t mean she wants to sleep with you
16. If either of you is always looking to some future moment together instead of what is right now, your breakup will be a good object lesson for a later relationship, so long as no one kills the other one... well, even then I guess it’ll be a good object lesson for someone else, but you’ll be dead or in jail, soooooo...
17. What she owns, like books or movies, are indicators of what she thinks about and what she dreams about.
18. Go on adventures together.
19. Stop putting off going on adventures together.
20. The Jews were right, the people are bent. So be gracious to her follies. And hope she is with yours. If she isn’t, it’s probably not going to work. If you aren’t, just stop dating altogether.
21. Even though you look in the mirror and always think you’re a sexy beast, she will probably not feel the same. Don’t be part of that prison for her.
22. If you just met and she’s super touchy-feely with you, probably means she super touchy-feely with everyone else, too.
23. If she posed naked in pictures at one time, 1, don’t Google those, 2, don’t tell anyone else to Google those, 3, we all did crazy, weird, different and/or dumb things at some point. Let her be who she is, and find that out. (Now if she wants to show you those, well... I don’t know, I’m torn between “run away” and “break out the vodka”...)
24. Don't date a girl who has a super attractive sister. Family dinners become awkward. So just... just don't...
25. If she is a foot shorter than you, be aware of where her head is when you hug her for the first time, otherwise you might try to shove her face into your moderately manly chest, and that’s awkward.
26. If you don’t think it’s going to work, talk about it. Don’t wait six months letting it fester and then surprise the hell out of each other where one is thinking one thing and the other person is thinking the total opposite.
27. If you don’t think it’s going to work at all, drive over and talk to her. Don’t call (unless you live on another continent), don’t text, don’t social media notify, and sure as fuck don’t leave town and just not tell her...
28. If you don’t follow #27, and your friends don’t bitch you out, find better friends.
29. You can’t stop the rain from falling, but you can bring an umbrella.
30. If she’s not beautiful without the make-up, she was never beautiful to begin with, or, at least, you were looking at the wrong thing. Now don’t string her along.
31. Never sit side by side in a booth or at a table, unless there are other people across from you OR there are no seats on the other side. For fuck’s sake, just stop.
32. Sometimes when you’re both walking away, one of you is actually hoping the other turns around. If you really want her to turn around, then YOU. TURN. THE. FUCK. AROUND. AND go get her.
33. It is okay to own/leave a copy of Pride & Prejudice on your coffee table. Don’t, however, just have an illustrated version.
34. If you use #33, follow it up with #12. She’ll think it’s funny that you’re trying.
35. Don’t take yourself seriously. Ryan Gosling doesn’t and he’s a WAAAAY better catch for her than you are.
36. If Ryan Gosling saves her live, don’t be jealous, don’t try to compete. Just admit that you wished he would have saved you instead, and then pray to whatever god(s) you hold dear that Ryan Gosling never shows back up in her life.
37. Wanting to date someone awesome requires the one wanting to also be awesome. Don’t not be awesome.
38. If she doesn’t want to date you because you have a crappy job/ car/ apartment - don’t chase after her.
39. If you’re at a wedding or something like that, and she’s sitting a table with her grandmother, it’s perfectly okay to ask her grandmother to dance as a way to meet her.
40. If you do #39, you better treat her grandmother like the Queen of England.
41. If, for hobbies, she consistently does more manly and/ or exciting things than you do, probably not going to work out... not because she’s better than you, but because you’re not good enough for her. There’s a difference.
42. Be interesting and do interesting things. Share those with her. Help her find her own.
43. Don’t do everything together. You aren’t the be all end all, and she isn’t either.
44. It’s okay to vent, but don’t live and work and play in the land of gossip. For her, or for you.
45. Don’t be fixated on how she helps you, be fixated on how you help her.
46. If she blows up on a waiter/ waitress at dinner, this is a red flag...
47. It’s okay to play the chauvinist card from time to time, as a way to push her buttons. It’s not okay to actually be a chauvinist. (This goes along with #11.)
48. You’ll know it’s going somewhere worthwhile when she agrees to do the dumb things you want to do. Return the kindness. Even if it’s a Ryan Gosling movie. (You also might learn something...)
49. Sometimes the best she can offer is going to be shit in your eyes, that doesn’t mean it’s not the best can do. Keep giving grace.
50. You aren’t your dad. His mistakes aren’t your mistakes. Be you. Own up to your mistakes. Be bold enough to let her forgive you.