Thinking of what's next

I went to lunch today, was going to meet with a pastor friend, and when I get to the restaurant table he says, "What's up, bitch?"

It totally made me laugh.

That's how I know I'm meeting with the right person. We talked about Star Wars being purchased by Disney, his church, the election, Tim Keller, and a little bit about what it means to be an "atypical" Church-goer or Christian.

The most poignant dialogue was:

He's just trying to figure out how Christianity plays out in his life.
Aren't we all just trying to figure out how Christianity plays out in our lives? In how God has uniquely made each of us?
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Now if you don't know me, then by "God" and "Christianity" I'm referring to a mode of providing language to what I perceive. We all have a worldview, both influenced and structured by external and internal forces. Everyone has a belief system, even if it's atheism, Buddhism, agnosticism, or don't-care-ism. And, to a degree, there is absolutely choice in that. But I repeat the above dialogue to mean, simply, that aren't we all trying to work out what it means to exist? To live? To love? To dream?

You know, I tried to be a typical Church-goer, it just didn't work out for me. There were lovely people at my last Church, but the people politics of being correct, in the end, drove a wedge where I don't think I could go back and be a good, docile pew-sitter. Granted, it was, and never is, a one-sided affair; I could have spoken up more, I could have tried a different approach, I could have done a million things. But like many relationships, the season changes and the wind blows you elsewhere. Does that mean there is no reconciliation? Because people shouldn't necessarily be treated analogous to culinary preference as at a local diner. It's not the same as having roast beef for lunch every day for years and then deciding you've had enough. People relationships aren't like that. Marriages and divorces and emotional relationships, they aren't like that.

The politics of the building with the name I no longer sought to war with, is all.

I just want to be with people who are fucking real. I don't care if you're gay, left wing, right wing, lonely, fulfilled, skinny, fat, black, white, hispanic, martian, from the future, whether you do cosplay, or listen to emo music --- whatever. Just be the most honest version of you, and when you aren't, fess up. But just because we're honest with each other doesn't mean we're going to be best friends or never have any conflict. AND THAT'S OKAY. Let's be free of trying to people-please as if trying to earn acceptance.

I guess that's what I'm getting at when I talk about being atypical. I'm old (relatively speaking). I'm tired of fluff. I don't want the platitudes, or formalities, I just want to tell the truth and be told the truth. Not in a way that we wield the truth like it's our weapon of manipulation; I've seen people hide behind "the truth" and stab away at each other all the while claiming, "I'm just being honest." 

In every instance it was always a case of insecurities trying to be covered by lashing out at another. Instead of hiding behind someone else's truth, just tell the truth about yourself.

Here, I'll go first: I'm needy, socially awkward, broken, sad sometimes, sometimes desperate for intimacy, funny, serious, not serious, wise, foolish, a total douche-nozzle, surprisingly likeable, persistent, well-intentioned, surprisingly polite, callous, hard-hearted, insensitive, puerile, immature, clingy, uncaring, distant... I guess I could keep going on, but I imagine you get the gist of it. 

I pretty much suck at life - but I'm beginning to be okay with that. And moving on. I mean, that's my playground, and you're welcome to play there, but that's the kind of playground it is.

But with all that, I guess I'm just thinking about what comes next. Maybe nothing. Maybe something. Maybe everything. Trying to figure out how my belief and world view - how it all works out with how I am - well, how I am just me - and how dreams, love, and life play out in it all...

Posted on November 13, 2012 and filed under Religion, Moments, Letter.