Hahaha. Sort of anyway. The situation is what happens when a bunch of BAMFs from cinema, literature, video games, etc, get into a brawl. Who wins. Who loses. And why. Participants can always fight again in another epic brawl, even if they received mortal wounds from a previous fight. Why? Don't ask silly questions, just continue to read anyway.
For part 1, the participants are:
- James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the Enterprise
- Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon
- Aragorn, king of Gondor
- Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds, captain of the firefly class Serenity
Rules: Fist-fight only
Clower's power play:
My gut tells me to go with Capt. Kirk. You know that about a minute into the fight he'd get his shirt ripped off and its kind of like when someone makes Bruce Lee bleed--it unleashes his inner power.
Aragorn is an interesting choice, but can he really fight without his sword? Plus he's too philosophical and kind of mopey. Halfway through the fight he'd be thinking about Liv Tyler, the nature of his own mortality and the crushing burden of destiny and then someone would knock him out.
Han would be a contender. But again, he's not really as formidable without a blaster or a starship. Now, if this were Han's parallel universe alter-ego, Indiana Jones, it would be a whole different ballgame.
I'm thinking it comes down to slugfest between Mal and Kirk. But in the end, the combination of Kirk's sweaty, hairless barrel chest, his lantern jaw and perfect hair are just too much for Mal to overcome.Wolfe's prognosis:
My gut tells me that Kirk will immediately drop to a barrel roll and get his shirt ripped off. And while he's doing this Han Solo will just shoot him with his blaster because Han always shoots first and asks questions later. And he doesn't play by anyone's rules.
And yes, Aragorn without a sword makes him a little helpless. But I figure that Aragorn is never alone. As soon as Han shoots Kirk in the chest, the dwarf Gimli will come flying across the screen to tackle Han, but he'll be too slow as Legolas will have already pinned Han's hand with an arrow.
Mal, realizing he should have brought his gun like Han did, will be looking at all this wondering if Jayne will go ahead and take the shot. Jayne will be 250 meters away watching through a sniper scope wondering if Han Solo would pay him more than Mal does.
Meanwhile Kirk is bleeding out because he actually fights fair and Spock is busy fitting a captains button to his suit while looking at the green alien chick that watching everything going on.
Mal will realize this ain't worth it because there's no money in fighting all these people and will leave, especially since none of these guys work for the Alliance.
And Aragorn will have won by default. It's not that he didn't fight fair, it's because he's got friends that won't ever leave his side. And Aragorn will let Han Solo go because that's what understanding people do for people who are awesome, because Han Solo is awesome, though Aragorn will still look over at Kirk and say aloud: "douche".
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